YOU CAN'T GET THERE FROM HERE
A Stage Comedy About Getting Lost

By David Durham
Kevin is driving. Mitch is sitting next to him. Paula is in the back seat, Bean is off stage
(Overall direction: Quick banter, Deputy : Southern Drawl)

MITCH
Which way do you think it is?

KEVIN
I don’t know, you lost the map!

MITCH
You lost the map. I had it, I gave it to you, you lost the map.

KEVIN
Just shut up about the map.

PAULA
We could just pull over and ask somebody.

KEVIN
We don’t need to pull over.

MITCH
He’s right, we don’t need to pull over.

PAULA
Why?

KEVIN
Because we’re not lost.

MITCH
Oh, we’re lost. But we don’t need to pull over.

PAULA
You’re both idiots.

MITCH
I think I remember driving by that house before.

KEVIN
I don’t remember that house.

MITCH
I remember that house. We drove by it before.

PAULA
He’s right. We drove by that house before.

KEVIN
We didn’t drive by that house before.

MITCH
Yes - we did.

KEVIN
No - we didn’t.

PAULA
I don’t see why we can’t just pull over and ask someone.

KEVIN
We didn’t drive by that house before.

MITCH
I can’t believe you only brought one map.

KEVIN
What? Like I’m supposed to bring a back-up map?

MITCH
I do. I always travel with what I call a ‘safety map’.

KEVIN
No you don’t.

PAULA
Yea he does.

KEVIN
A safety map?

MITCH
Hey, you never know when your first map might be sucked out the window or set on fire or...

KEVIN
Set on fire?

MITCH
It could happen.

KEVIN
You are so strange.

MITCH
Well at least I don’t get lost!

KEVIN
For the last time - we are not lost.

PAULA
OK, what road are we on?

KEVIN
(looking around)
It’s...county road...number (mumbling) mumsty flue.

MITCH
What? Mumsty flue?

PAULA
We are so lost.

KEVIN
We don’t need to know the number of the road. Look, there’s the sun straight ahead. We’re heading due East. Eventually we have to cross the highway, and none of us have seen the highway yet.

MITCH
What time is it?

KEVIN
It’s almost six.

PAULA
I’m gonna die if we don’t stop for dinner.

MITCH
Let’s try this again: what time is it?

KEVIN
It’s almost six.

PAULA
I’m gonna die if we don’t stop for dinner.

MITCH
Six! Six? Six what?

KEVIN
Six PM, evening, night...

MITCH
Six PM and that’s the sun. We’re driving WEST you moron!

PAULA
Oh you idiot!

KEVIN
OK, we’re ok, West is ok. We can go West.

PAULA
We’re going the wrong way.

KEVIN
No, we can get there going West.

MITCH
What?

KEVIN
We can link up with...with ah...

MITCH
What? Highway Mumsty Flue!?

KEVIN
OK, we just made one wrong turn. We can turn around, it’s not that big a deal. (turns the car around)

PAULA
I’m so hungry.

MITCH
We’re so lost.

KEVIN
Well, if you had your special safety map we’d be there by now.

MITCH
Don’t bag on my safety map.

KEVIN
That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.

MITCH
You wish you had one right now don’t you.

KEVIN
Shut up and start looking for a gas station.

PAULA
Oh, you’re finally going to ask for directions?

KEVIN
No...we’re about to run out of gas.

MITCH
I told you we should have filled it up before we left.

KEVIN
If you don’t shut up - I’m going to hurt you.

PAULA
Oh, look what I found!

KEVIN
The map?

PAULA
No, I forgot we had the cooler back here. It’s got food in it.

MITCH
Share the food. What’ve you got?

PAULA
Squished twinkies and Fire Water.

KEVIN
What?

PAULA
Fire water (handing a drink to Mitch)

MITCH
Oh, this stuff is great.

KEVIN
What is that?

MITCH
It’s an Indian herbal drink, made from cactus root, chili peppers and iguana blood. (takes a swig)

KEVIN
What?

PAULA
I got the last two bottles at Trader Joe’s.

MITCH
Here try some.

KEVIN
Oh, that smalls awful. How much alcohol’s in it?

MITCH
None, it gets its smell from the cactus root.

KEVIN
We may need to pour it in the gas tank if we don’t find a place soon.

MITCH
Wait. We’ve been here before. I recognize that tree and that stop sign.

PAULA
What tree?

MITCH
The one shaped like Don King.

KEVIN
What stop sign?

MITCH
The one you just drove through.

KEVIN
I didn’t see any stop sign.

PAULA
It was behind the Don King tree.

KEVIN
You’re both crazy. (siren from behind)

Oh, no.
MITCH

Great. Just great.
PAULA

At least we can ask for directions.
KEVIN
I don’t believe it.

MITCH
You went right through the stop sign!

KEVIN
I didn’t see any stop sign. (pulling the car over)

PAULA
Make sure you ask for directions before he gives you the ticket.

KEVIN
I shouldn’t get a ticket. The tree was blocking the sign. This is like entrapment or something.

BEAN
(walks up from behind the car)

MITCH
Oh, he looks mean. Just pay the ticket. Just pay the ticket.

PAULA
Don’t forget to ask for directions.

BEAN
Well boy...

MITCH
Just pay the ticket.

BEAN
Do you know why I stopped ya?

PAULA
Well, as long as we’re stopped, could you give us some directions?

KEVIN
Officer...

BEAN
Bean. Deputy Bean.

KEVIN
Deputy Bean, that tree was blocking the stop sign. There was no way I could see it.

BEAN
If you couldn’t see it then how did you know it was there?

KEVIN
...I couldn’t see it, but my friend saw it.

BEAN
Well if he could see it - you could see it.

MITCH
Just pay the ticket.

BEAN
Let me see your driver’s licence and registration.

KEVIN
I don’t believe this. You put the Don King tree there on purpose. This is a set up. It’s entrapment.

BEAN
Boy, are you refusing to show me your license and registration?

MITCH
Just pay the ticket.

BEAN
Are you ben’ a smart alec. We don’t like smart alecs. You know what we do to smart alecs?

KEVIN
Yea, I saw it in Deliverance.

MITCH
For God’s sake - give the man your wallet. (he pulls Kevin’s wallet out of Kevin’s pants and gives it to the deputy)

BEAN
You need to take them out of the wallet.

MITCH
Just take the whole thing.

BEAN
Are you trying to bribe an officer of the law? Step out of the car boy.

KEVIN
Ah...

MITCH
Wait. There’s been a misunderstanding.

BEAN
Are you refusing to obey the instructions of a Deputy Sheriff?

MITCH
He’s gonna make you squeal just like in Deliverance!

KEVIN
Officer, officer. OK, I went through the stop sign. I’ll just pay my fine and be on my way.

MITCH
(to Kevin) I’m really sorry, it was all my fault.

KEVIN
I’m really sorry, it was all my fault.

MITCH
If you could just give me a warning I would appreciate it.

KEVIN
If you could just give me a warning I would appreciate it.

MITCH
These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

KEVIN
These aren’t the droids you’re looking for...(to Mitch) What?

BEAN
Are you trying to make fun’a me boy?

KEVIN
No, no. I’m sorry, we just got lost and we’re...

PAULA
Oh, now he admits we’re lost. This is what it takes. A big...sheriff...deputy...thing!

BEAN
Lost ain’t no excuse for runn’ stop signs now is it?

KEVIN
No sir...deputy sir...

BEAN
I don’t know what you city slickers do for entertainment but here in Beaumont County we don’t take kindly to joy riders.

KEVIN
Yes sir...ah, no sir, we don’t...joy riders...bad...

MITCH
Just pay the ticket.

KEVIN
I’ll just pay the ticket.

BEAN
Well, well...are those open bottles of alcohol I see?

KEVIN
No, no, no, no that’s just Fire Water.

MITCH
See, just Fire Water.

BEAN
Fire Water’s another name for moonshine boy. Do I look stupid to you? (a beat) So far I got: failure to obey a traffic sign, that’s a moving violation. Bribery, operatn’ a vehicle with open containers of liquor, that’s another moving violation - in a construciton zone , that means the fines are doubled. And driving with an expired license.

KEVIN
What?

BEAN
Boy, this license expired last month.

KEVIN
What...but...I never got the little thing in the mail! How am I supposed to know...

MITCH
These are the droids he’s looking for.

BEAN
You’re lookn’ at some jail time son.

MITCH
This is the part where the Candid Camera guy comes out right?

PAULA
I feel really sick.

KEVIN
All we want to do is get to Biloxi.

BEAN
Son, you can’t get there form here. You ever see Deliverance?