CHEESE HEADS
A Stage Comedy with Football Flair

By David Durham
4 Chairs pointing out, first two occupied by Sam and Norma both wearing cheese heads. Norma is on the outside. The other two seats are empty. Sam and Norma have Wisconsin accents.

SAM
I’m freezing. I’m freezing. I’m freezing. And I have cheese on my head!

NORMA
Whoooo!!!! Go Packers!!!!! Whoooooo!!!

SAM
The game doesn’t start for 4 hours. We’re the only people in the stadium!

NORMA
We got here early, we got good seats!

SAM
You have season tickets! We could’ve got here at half time!

NORMA
Whooooo!!!!!

SAM
Who are you Whoooooing???

NORMA
I’m practicing.

SAM
Practice Whooooing?

NORMA
Come on, get in the spirit. Whooooo.

SAM
I don’t wana Whooo, I wana be warm.

NORMA
Well if you Whoooo a little maybe you’ll get warm.

SAM
(weakly)
whooo.

NORMA
Oh that’s pathetic.

SAM
(a little stronger)
whooo.

NORMA
What? I think I hear a baby moose.

SAM
(angry)
Whooo!

NORMA
OK, you can whooo later.

SAM
I don’t want to whooo later. I want to go home!

NORMA
You never want to come out to the games!

SAM

It’s 3 degrees! My ears are frozen to the cheese...

NORMA
Oh look! There’s the little snow-plow man.

SAM
My butt is frozen to the chair.

NORMA
Remember when he plowed my name in the snow last year?

SAM
Yea and I remember when the water boy peed your name in the snow last year.

NORMA
Yea, that was nice. Did we send him a Christmas card?

SAM
You sent everyone on the team a Christmas card.

NORMA
We didn’t send the kicker a card did we? I hate the kicker.

SAM
I think we did. You said send everyone on the team a card.

NORMA
No, not the kicker. I hate the kicker.


(Chris and Martha enter from behind and inch their way across the seats to the end of the row, Chris is leading. Chris sits on the far end and Martha sits in the middle.)


CHRIS
Hello. Pardon us. Excuse us.

MARTHA
Hello.

CHRIS
See, these are great seats!

MARTHA
But it’s awful windy.

CHRIS
Yea, but it’s not as cold as Buffalo was.

NORMA
Buffalo!! You’re Buffalo fans?!

CHRIS
Gooooo Bills!!!! We drove 27 hours to get here.

MARTHA
27 Long hours.

CHRIS
We hit a blizzard in Albany.

MARTHA
We hit a dear in Poughkeepsie.

CHRIS
Yea, that was a mess! Blood and guts everywhere! Dear intestines in the radiator, brain parts on the windshield...

SAM
Do you mind, ...I’ve got cheese on my head.

MARTHA
I was going to ask why.

NORMA
Why!? Because we’re Cheese Heads! Whooo!

CHRIS
Martha, I told you about these types of people They get obsessive about their precious little Packers.

NORMA
Oh, and you’re proud of your Buffalo dung?

SAM
Hey, stop it or we’ll have to separate you two!

MARTHA
They are separated.

SAM
My butt is so cold.

NORMA
Sit on your hat.

CHRIS
That would give you a...Dairy - Air.

SAM
I’m not going to like you am I?

NORMA
Plow! Plow!

CHRIS
She sounds like Batman!

MARTHA
Honey my ears are cold.

CHRIS
You shouldn’t have used your hat to wipe off the dear brains.

SAM
Here you want to try on my cheese.

NORMA
Don’t give her our cheese!

CHRIS
Don’t put that on, you don’t know where it’s been.

MARTHA
It’s been on his head.

CHRIS
It’s been on a cheese head! (starts a cheer) Cheese Heads - Cheese Heads - Rolly Poley Cheese Heads.

NORMA
That’s fish heads. He can’t even get the song right.

SAM
Here, take my hat.

MARTHA
Thanks...how does it look?

SAM
Gouda.

CHRIS
Don’t wear that! They’ll think you’re with the enemy.

MARTHA
What enemy? It’s a stupid football game!

NORMA
There’s nothing stupid about football!

CHRIS
Yea, it’s the sport of kings!

SAM
No, that’s chess.

NORMA
Chess isn’t a sport.

MARTHA
Actually, I think it’s horse racing.

SAM
What?

MARTHA
...the sport of kings.

CHRIS
Kings are hockey.

NORMA
It’s cold enough for hockey.

MARTHA
No, the sport of kings.

NORMA
Chess isn’t a sport.

CHRIS
Sure it’s a sport.

NORMA
Is it in the Olympics?

CHRIS
It doesn’t have to be...

NORMA
Then it’s not a sport.

CHRIS
Bowling’s in the Olympics.

SAM
Bowling’s not a sport.

MARTHA
Then what is it?

NORMA
It’s a hobby.

CHRIS
It’s not a hobby.

NORMA
Like fishing.

SAM
Fishing’s a sport!

CHRIS
Is it in the Olympics?

MARTHA
Fishing is a sport.

NORMA
That’s why it’s called Sport Fishing.

CHRIS
It’s not in the Olympics.

NORMA
You don’t know what you’re talkn’ about.

CHRIS
Oh, so says the cheese queen.

SAM
Hey, there’s no need for name calling.

MARTHA
Look, I think the plow is writing something in the snow.

CHRIS
It says...Moron.

NORMA
It says Norma! That’s my name. He plowed it just for me.

CHRIS
It says Moron and he still plowed it just for you.

NORMA
Put him on the list for an extra fruit cake next year.

SAM
You want to punish him?

NORMA
You don’t like my fruit cake?

MARTHA
I think it’s sweet that he’d plow her name in the snow.

CHRIS
Hey, I can do sweet.

MARTHA
You wouldn’t know sweet if it...

NORMA
I though you liked my fruit cake.

MARTHA
A box of chocolates would be fine.

SAM
You could use it as a weapon.

CHRIS
Chocolates are for sissies.

NORMA
You never said anything about it before.

SAM
That was before the Fruit Cake hate mail.

MARTHA
There’s nothing wrong with chocolate.

CHRIS
It makes dogs constipated.

SAM
And I think it makes me constipated.

MARTHA
Fine, Roses then.

NORMA
There’s nothing wrong with my Fruit Cake.

SAM
Remember all those dead birds in the yard last month...

CHRIS
They’re expensive and they die in a week anyway.

SAM
I left one of your Fruit Cakes out.

MARTHA
Women like flowers.

SAM
One minute they were eating...

CHRIS
Women like toilet bowl fresheners too...

SAM
Then they’re all laying there in the snow with their little legs up in the air.

MARTHA
You don’t know romantic.

CHRIS
Hey, I brought you here didn’t I?

MARTHA
My point exactly!

NORMA
No, that wasn’t because of my...

SAM

They call you the Fruit Cake Killer.

CHRIS
This is romantic.

NORMA
What they?

MARTHA
This is freezing. We could’ve gone some place warm.

SAM
Everybody.

MARTHA
Like Hawaii.

NORMA
What everybody?

CHRIS
Hawaii doesn’t have a football team.

MARTHA
Everything doesn’t revolve around football.

SAM
It doesn’t matter.

CHRIS
Fine.

NORMA
Fine.

MARTHA
Fine.

SAM
Fine.

CHRIS
(a beat)
Come on. Let’s not fight. I’m sorry. I’ll buy you a box of chocolates. Big box. Ten pound box.

MARTHA
You’ll make me fat.

CHRIS
I like you fat.

MARTHA
Oh now I’m fat!

NORMA
Well, maybe we can replace the Fruit Cakes with Cheese Logs next year.

SAM
Cheese logs? In Wisconsin?

NORMA
Alright, forget about food!

MARTHA
I’m starting to get hungry.

CHRIS
You want a hot dog and some hot chocolate?

MARTHA
That sounds good.

SAM
Nothing’s open yet, not for another couple hours.

MARTHA
Fine, I’ll just be cold and hungry.

SAM
Well, we’ve got some extra food in our cooler (gives her some cheese)

NORMA
Don’t give her our cheese!

CHRIS
Don’t eat that, you don’t know where it’s been.

MARTHA
It’s been in their cooler.

CHRIS
It belongs to a cheese head! You’re flirting with the enemy again.

MARTHA
Will you stop it with the enemy stuff.

NORMA
I can’t believe you gave her the good cheddar.

SAM
We have plenty.

NORMA
You should have given her the Roquefort.

SAM
It’s moldy.

NORMA
She wouldn’t know.

CHRIS
I can’t believe you take their cheese so freely. They’re the opponent, the adversary.

SAM
They seem nice enough.

NORMA
They’re just saying whatever you want to hear. Just wait till the cheese is gone...

MARTHA
They seem nice enough.

CHRIS
The cheese is probably moldy.

SAM
Look, we have to sit here for the rest of the day with these people. The least we can do is be polite. Let’s set the example. Let’s show then what Wisconsin hospitality is all about.

NORMA
Can I cut the cheese?