By David Durham

4 Chairs pointing out, first two occupied by Sam and Norma both wearing cheese heads. Norma is on the outside. The other two seats are empty. Sam and Norma have Wisconsin accents. Dialog should go by at a quick pace.

SAM

I’m freezing. I’m freezing. I’m freezing. And I have cheese on my head!

NORMA

Whoooo!!!! Go Packers!!!!! Whoooooo!!!

SAM

The game doesn’t start for 4 hours. We’re the only people in the stadium!

NORMA

We got here early, we got good seats!

SAM

You have season tickets! We could’ve got here at half time!

NORMA

Whooooo!!!!!

SAM

Who are you Whoooooing???

NORMA

I’m practicing.

SAM

Practice Whooooing?

NORMA

Come on, get in the spirit. Whooooo.

SAM

I don’t wana Whooo, I wana be warm.

NORMA

Well if you Whoooo a little maybe you’ll get warm.

SAM

(weakly) whooo.

NORMA

Oh that’s pathetic.

SAM

(a little stronger) whooo.

NORMA

What? I think I hear a baby moose.

SAM

(angry) Whooo!

NORMA

OK, you can whooo later.

SAM

I don’t want to whooo later. I want to go home!

NORMA

You never want to come out to the games!

SAM

It’s 3 degrees! My ears are frozen to the cheese...

NORMA

Oh look! There’s the little snow-plow man.

SAM

My butt is frozen to the chair.

NORMA

Remember when he plowed my name in the snow last year?

SAM

Yea and I remember when the water boy peed your name in the snow last year.

NORMA

Yea, that was nice. Did we send him a Christmas card?

SAM

You sent everyone on the team a Christmas card.

NORMA

We didn’t send the kicker a card did we? I hate the kicker.

SAM

I think we did. You said send everyone on the team a card.

NORMA

No, not the kicker. I hate the kicker.

(Chris and Martha enter from behind and inch their way across the seats to the end of the row, Chris is leading. Chris sits on the far end and Martha sits in the middle.)

CHRIS

Hello. Pardon us. Excuse us.

MARTHA

Hello.

CHRIS

See, these are great seats!

MARTHA

But it’s awful windy.

CHRIS

Yea, but it’s not as cold as Buffalo was.

NORMA

Buffalo!! You’re Buffalo fans?!

CHRIS

Gooooo Bills!!!! We drove 27 hours to get here.

MARTHA

27 Long hours.

CHRIS

We hit a blizzard in Albany.

MARTHA

We hit a dear in Poughkeepsie.

CHRIS

Yea, that was a mess! Blood and guts everywhere! Dear intestines in the radiator, brain parts on the windshield...

SAM

Do you mind, ...I’ve got cheese on my head.

MARTHA

I was going to ask why.

NORMA

Why!? Because we’re Cheese Heads! Whooo!

CHRIS

Martha, I told you about these types of people. They get obsessive about their precious little Packers.

NORMA

Oh, and you’re proud of your Buffalo dung?

SAM

Hey, stop it or we’ll have to separate you two!

MARTHA

They are separated.

SAM

My butt is so cold.

NORMA

Sit on your hat.

CHRIS

That would give you a...Dairy - Air.

SAM

I’m not going to like you am I?

NORMA

Plow! Plow!

CHRIS

She sounds like Batman!

MARTHA

Honey my ears are cold.

CHRIS

You shouldn’t have used your hat to wipe off the dear brains.

SAM

Here you want to try on my cheese.

NORMA

Don’t give her our cheese!

CHRIS

Don’t put that on, you don’t know where it’s been.

MARTHA

It’s been on his head.

CHRIS

It’s been on a cheese head! (starts a cheer) Cheese Heads - Cheese Heads - Rolly Poley Cheese Heads.

NORMA

That’s fish heads. He can’t even get the song right.

SAM

Here, take my hat.

MARTHA

Thanks...how does it look?

SAM

Gouda.

CHRIS

Don’t wear that! They’ll think you’re with the enemy.

MARTHA

What enemy? It’s a stupid football game!

NORMA

There’s nothing stupid about football!

CHRIS

Yea, it’s the sport of kings!

SAM

No, that’s chess.

NORMA

Chess isn’t a sport.

MARTHA

Actually, I think it’s horse racing.

SAM

What?

MARTHA

...the sport of kings.

CHRIS

Kings are hockey.

NORMA

It’s cold enough for hockey.

MARTHA

No, the sport of kings.

NORMA

Chess isn’t a sport.

CHRIS

Sure it’s a sport.

NORMA

Is it in the Olympics?

CHRIS

It doesn’t have to be...

NORMA

Then it’s not a sport.

CHRIS

Bowling’s in the Olympics.

SAM

Bowling’s not a sport.

MARTHA

Then what is it?

NORMA

It’s a hobby.

CHRIS

It’s not a hobby.

NORMA

Like fishing.

SAM

Fishing’s a sport!

CHRIS

Is it in the Olympics?

MARTHA

Fishing is a sport.

NORMA

That’s why it’s called Sport Fishing.

CHRIS

It’s not in the Olympics.

NORMA

You don’t know what you’re talkn’ about.

CHRIS

Oh, so says the cheese queen.

SAM

Hey, there’s no need for name calling.

MARTHA

Look, I think the plow is writing something in the snow.

CHRIS

It says...Moron.

NORMA

It says Norma! That’s my name. He plowed it just for me.

CHRIS

It says Moron and he still plowed it just for you.

NORMA

Put him on the list for an extra fruit cake next year.

SAM

You want to punish him?

NORMA

You don’t like my fruit cake?

MARTHA

I think it’s sweet that he’d plow her name in the snow.

CHRIS

Hey, I can do sweet.

MARTHA

You wouldn’t know sweet if it...

NORMA

I though you liked my fruit cake.

MARTHA

A box of chocolates would be fine.

SAM

You could use it as a weapon.

CHRIS

Chocolates are for sissies.

NORMA

You never said anything about it before.

SAM

That was before the Fruit Cake hate mail.

MARTHA

There’s nothing wrong with chocolate.

CHRIS

It makes dogs constipated.

SAM

And I think it makes me constipated.

MARTHA

Fine, Roses then.

NORMA

There’s nothing wrong with my Fruit Cake.

SAM

Remember all those dead birds in the yard last month...

CHRIS

They’re expensive and they die in a week anyway.

SAM

I left one of your Fruit Cakes out.

MARTHA

Women like flowers.

SAM

One minute they were eating...

CHRIS

Women like toilet bowl fresheners too...

SAM

Then they’re all laying there in the snow with their little legs up in the air.

MARTHA

You don’t know romantic.

CHRIS

Hey, I brought you here didn’t I?

MARTHA

My point exactly!

NORMA

No, that wasn’t because of my...

SAM

They call you the Fruit Cake Killer.

CHRIS

This is romantic.

NORMA

What they?

MARTHA

This is freezing. We could’ve gone some place warm.

SAM

Everybody.

MARTHA

Like Hawaii.

NORMA

What everybody?

CHRIS

Hawaii doesn’t have a football team.

MARTHA

Everything doesn’t revolve around football.

SAM

It doesn’t matter.

CHRIS

Fine.

NORMA

Fine.

MARTHA

Fine.

SAM

Fine.

CHRIS

(a beat) Come on. Let’s not fight. I’m sorry. I’ll buy you a box of chocolates. Big box. Ten pound box.

MARTHA

You’ll make me fat.

CHRIS

I like you fat.

MARTHA

Oh now I’m fat!

NORMA

Well, maybe we can replace the Fruit Cakes with Cheese Logs next year.

SAM

Cheese logs? In Wisconsin?

NORMA

Alright, forget about food!

MARTHA

I’m starting to get hungry.

CHRIS

You want a hot dog and some hot chocolate?

MARTHA

That sounds good.

SAM

Nothing’s open yet, not for another couple hours.

MARTHA

Fine, I’ll just be cold and hungry.

SAM

Well, we’ve got some extra food in our cooler (gives her some cheese)

NORMA

Don’t give her our cheese!

CHRIS

Don’t eat that, you don’t know where it’s been.

MARTHA

It’s been in their cooler.

CHRIS

It belongs to a cheese head! You’re flirting with the enemy again.

MARTHA

Will you stop it with the enemy stuff.

NORMA

I can’t believe you gave her the good cheddar.

SAM

We have plenty.

NORMA

You should have given her the Roquefort.

SAM

It’s moldy.

NORMA

She wouldn’t know.

CHRIS

I can’t believe you take their cheese so freely. They’re the opponent, the adversary.

SAM

They seem nice enough.

NORMA

They’re just saying whatever you want to hear. Just wait till the cheese is gone...

MARTHA

They seem nice enough.

CHRIS

The cheese is probably moldy.

SAM

Look, we have to sit here for the rest of the day with these people. The least we can do is be polite. Let’s set the example. Let’s show then what Wisconsin hospitality is all about.

NORMA

Can I cut the cheese?